I remember being about 5 years old and asking my mom to take me to church. I don't know where this notion came from. She, apparently, had been involved in church growing up, but then stopped attending. She finally agreed, and we started going to church. I had wanted to sit up in the front pew. I've always felt God, and I wanted to be extra close to Him. My mom let me sit up front by myself. There would come a time when the pastor would ask for "testimonies". I'd raise my hand and say things like "I know you think I'm just a kid, but kids can know God too, and I know Him!", and other such things. Also, they'd take "requests" for worship sometimes, and I'd always pick a song called Near to the Heart of God.
I remember around that same age of 5 or so, reading my Bible in my room. I came across the verse that said "parents, provoke not your children to wrath". I couldn't understand why we were supposedly Christians, but she ignored this fundamental verse. I went out of my room and asked her "Mommy, I just read this verse. Why do you provoke me?" She slapped me across my mouth and said "Don't you EVER say anything like that again!" Talk about utter confusion, and mixed messages. Most of the spiritual stuff I've learned as an adult has been an UNLEARNING of the logical crap that was force fed to me.
I could see into the spirit realm since I was a toddler. I even had a spirt that would stand outside my room. Scared the crap out of me, that's for sure.
In school, I was a paradox. The teachers couldn't figure out how I could talk and sometimes stir up trouble, and yet get good grades. I was rebellious towards teachers that I deemed stupid and disrespectful. Growing up, and I suppose now, respect has to be earned in my world. Again, another paradox, because I honor individuals and recognize the Divine within them, but something within me rails against blind obeisance and narrow thinking. In college, I'd excel at some subjects and fail others. If I didn't like the teacher, or thought the material irrelevant and based on the laws of regurgitation, I wouldn't do the work or show up for class.
I've been through a lot in life, including being hospitalized for depresssion 11 years ago, and losing my first husband to leukemia over 4 years ago. We were married 7 years. And of course, always feeling like an oddball that didn't fit in.
I can't stomach the thought of a 9-5 to job. Everyone I've ever had has nauseated me. I'm quite the workaholic when I approve of what I'm doing, and it's in accordance with my Life Purpose. But I just can't seem to jump through hoops. As a matter of fact, I've always worked hard at volunteer jobs, but when pay entered the picture, I'd get sick to my stomach and my attitude would change. I think it had something to do with money. Money is so often used to control and extort obligations. I don't do obligations well.
I have such deep emotions and compassion, but have felt detached in the past. I feel deeply for humanity, but I used to have little tolerance for those who will NOT take responsibility for Self and their llfe. I also tend to buck authority no matter what face it shows. I don't like heirarchy, and I can't understand why we can't work like a circle in conjunction with the spirit of love. I suppose it's fear that blocks love.
I'm an ordained minister, but I have often felt so ahead of my time. Being a woman, and having theology that's very much on the outskirts of traditional Christianity limits my "usefulness" to the system. I'm had hoped to one day break the chains that stifle individuality within the system called "the church", but I ended up leaving "the system" altogether.
My Life Purpose is to encourage individuality and expression, empower others, and to offer alternative viewpoints and options to those who feel trapped in a box. I see chains everywhere I look, and I have been used to rip off blindfolds off many. How can one have true choice if they are blinded to their options?
I consider myself an Indigo Humanist, and have always been a communicator and "people person".
I have subsequently remarried and have a wondeful 6 year old. Although I don't think my husband is an Indigo, he has the energy that understands my Who and Why. My son is definitely a sensitive Crystal, with a strong allergy to fear and conflict.
"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." -- Geoffrey Abert
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